I came into this summer hoping the Lord would give me some kind of direction for my life. I was excited for the opportunity to serve him, but even more, I was excited for the chance to refocus and figure out where I’m going from here. If you know me at all, you know I’m a total Type-A personality (Tatum tells me I’d be a type AAA if such a thing existed.) If it can be alphabetized, color coded, or put into a list, I’ve probably already done it, not to mention gotten an immense amount of joy in the process.I have a tendency to that with my life as well. At least once a month, I sit down and attempt to plan out the rest of my life on paper.

I know, I sound like an uptight crack head. I warned you.

One should note that I’m 100% open to a change of direction, but at any given point in time, I take comfort in having a tentative plan. But in the last few months, my lists have become more difficult to make. The plans I’ve been focused on most of my life just don’t seem as thrilling anymore. In fact, I’m beginning to feel like what I’ve been chasing after my entire life isn’t really what I want at all. This leaves me with a problem I’ve never really faced before. You see, uncertainty is very difficult to put into a list.

No wonder I’m a raging insomniac.

So since I arrived in Panama City almost 2 months ago, I have continually begged the Lord to give me some kind of plan for my life. I’m not dead set on my own ideas; I just need to have some sense of direction. Finally, as I was driving to Sonic late Friday night, I heard his answer very clearly. Just as he has done a handful of times in my life, the Lord laid very distinct words on my heart:

Are you ready to start living for something bigger than yourself?

Father’s words stung a little…probably because this isn’t the person I’ve been. When I look back on the last six months of my life, its very clear that I’ve been living for myself. I’ve been chasing my desires, my goals, and my happiness for far too long. Sure, I’ve been involved in the church. I’ve been leading my A Phi sisters in bible study, working with the GAs, and struggling to live a life worthy of the calling I’ve received and from the outside, it looked as though I was doing everything right. When you look closer though, you’ll see I’ve failed in so many ways. I thought I was doing it all right, but that’s just the problem; I was doing it. I haven’t given him my whole heart, and instead I’ve been trying to make happiness in my own way.

How has it ended? In restlessness, sleeplessness, and ultimately feeling very much out of place.

When I think of hundreds of ways Fuge has impacted me, I go back to one simple thing: eternity. Everything we do here carries an eternal weight. We aren’t just fighting for lives; We’re fighting for souls. And at the end of the day, I’m exhausted beyond belief, but I’ve never felt more ready to take on the next task. This is life the way it was meant to be lived. Beginning each morning with the gospel on our hearts, and living each second with eternity in mind.

I’ve spent unholy amounts of time on the beach this summer. Nearly every night, I go out just to sit and look at the water. It blows my mind to look as far as I possibly can and know that what I see is only a speck of what is really out there. The gospel is that much bigger. Father’s plan is so much bigger than the ocean, than anything that exists on the face of this planet.

That’s the kind of big I want to live for.

While I was in Germany several summers ago, the pastor I was working under gave our team the same challenge every day. The one thing I clearly remember Jeff Simmons telling each of us is this:

Its not about what you do, its about who owns you.

All this time, I’ve had it so wrong. I’ve been trying to do things for the Lord. Here’s a newsflash: I can’t do anything for God. I’m not big enough. I’m not good enough. I’m simply not worthy. But somehow, that merciful Father of mine allows me to be a part of what he is doing on this earth. My focus desperately needs to change. I’ve got to stop trying to plan the next “big” thing I can do for God. I’ve got to lay down my AAA personality and let him have my life. Let him own every single part of me, every single thing I do. Only then can I finally find the fulfillment I’ve been chasing for so long.

Lord, take my life and let it be yours.